I am a Man

I am a Man

David Hino

I am a man.

I lived in a fatherless generation.

I want to be Skyking, the Marlboro Man, Spider Man, James Bond.

Strong, independent, doing the impossible and popular.

The more I tried to be powerful, the more I felt powerless inside.

The image of being powerful became more important than actual being powerful.

I am a man.  Men do not share their fears for that is a sign of weakness.

A true man hides his fears behind the mask of the smile.

A real man is always strong and confident.

I am a man.  I tell people I walk by faith but in reality I walk by fear.

I cannot tell you my deepest fears, otherwise I would feel less of a man.

Sharing feelings is for the weak.

The mask becomes easier to wear and harder to take off.

The mask becomes who I am.

The fears become so deeply buried that I no longer know what they are.

Society is filled with men who live in fear.

I must learn to compete with them.

I must learn to beat them.

I am a man.  When I explode in anger, I always have a good reason for that.

I need to win the argument.  Men can’t lose.

I have close friends but in reality we are not really close.

I know a lot of people but in reality we really don’t know each other.

I am a man but I feel lost.

If I strip away this manhood that I have created, I will be lost.

I am afraid of being vulnerable, I rather hide.

Keep moving, staying busy and talking is part of my hiding.

Knowing God involves intimacy.  But intimacy is foreign for a man.

God will always be distant, for I am a man.

I hate to ask for help.  Asking for help means I am longer in control.

I hate to admit when I am lost.  Thank goodness for smart phones.

I desire relationships but when I touch you, you only feel the projective gloves that I wear.

These protective layers prevent me from being touched and touching others.

I am a real and true man but I no longer feel real or true any more.

I am a man, but I have become a man that cannot love.